Humbug
02-11-2001, 11:56 PM
Several months ago a friend of mine died in an accident. He was floating in the middle of Diamond Lake when his boat it tipped. My friend, unable to make it to the shore waited in the water by the overturned boat while another friend swam for help. I remember him, and I remember a lot of great things. I remember all of the conversations we had. I remember how I met him at that party when I was in eigth grade, he was in 10th. I remember these things and several others, and he and I were really never very close. We were friends, but not great ones, this is why its important to see. Even with a person you've met once, spent one day with. After that first day you've already built 1000 memories! It doesn't matter how close you were, when someone dies, no matter the connection there is sadness.
I know this, I also know that after he died I heard several conversations in which people were comparing how well they knew them. It became a competition. People would one up eachother to further their sadness, but they wern't sad. They were however, disrespecting the life of a great guy. They were using it as a fulcrum, trying to boost themselves into social exception. They were working so hard at the attention they wanted to gain!
Does this all mean that I should not deserve the "right" to be sad about my friends death just because someone else is sadder. I see this everyday in my life. People using their problems like wedges. People want to be something they're not, this is a well known fact. For some reason, this thing people try to be instead is always more depressed, inflicted, troubled. It always appears that your meeting the most depressed person in the world!
"my mom wanted to put me in this mental hospital, but I was like 'Fuck That!'." Odd how these people are just let on the street as if they were normal. Its dangerous, you look at a kid on the street. You see a happy tall blond that appears, from the shoes, to be pretty well off! Yet beneath this face lies a horrible beast. The doctors have them on all kinds of medications! So many that I'll bet they can't remember the names on the pill bottles! Or maybe they just don't pay attention when they shove that fist full of pills down their throat.
I don't generally tell people about the problems in my life for a few reasons. One is, everyone has problems, but why would I want to dwell on mine! Another is, every day in the news you'll see a hundred horrible incidents recorded and printed, but you'll see only one or two happy story, but come on! Those happy things are there, but no one pays attention! I refuse to be that way! The first thing I recall from my day when I'm asked how it was, usually is the sky (corny as it may sound, I live in Oregon! Even with clouds everywhere, it's the greatest sky!). The last reason that I keep my problems to myself, they're not bartering tools! They're troubles, not to be kept up front, not to be forgotten. Come on! Everythings not lost! Look up!
I love this world, I love everything about it. I love the sky, the trees, the earth. I love the darkness, I love rivers sounding. I love combinations of them all. I love walking along the edge of a waterfall in the darkness, not quite knowing where I'm going, just to find the best spot to sit and just listen! I love music. I love art. I love animals! I love all of this, and often times, I can't love those around me! I can't love humans, because they are so horrible sometimes! They see it, they see it inflicting others and they don't do anything. For themselves. For themselves, for their cowardly purposes. I also hate the fact that I cannot hate anything that I don't represent! That is by far the worst part. But I'm changing!
This change within me now, this is for Rob who died in the frosted waters of Diamond Lake. This is for Rob whom I never saw any of these characteristics in! Although, I'm sure he's not watching over me. If such a thing could exist, if the dead come alive again in a heaven, if this is true I'm sure that I am not the target of Rob's attention. But that's not what's important really. I know that he, as a living person, inspired me to be a better person as I saw him be so caring. I saw him, and a part of who he was and I wanted to change and be a better person. In his death I'm not going to end that, I'm going to continue to work for change!
I wish this standpoint was more shared by humanity. I know its there, but I am so surrounded by the bad things sometimes that I forget. "If you tell the truth than you never have to remember anything". That is to say, if you lie, you would be a fool to keep it up, and you would be a coward to not tell the truth. So why lie for no reason! Be brave, be yourself!
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Zoinks!
I know this, I also know that after he died I heard several conversations in which people were comparing how well they knew them. It became a competition. People would one up eachother to further their sadness, but they wern't sad. They were however, disrespecting the life of a great guy. They were using it as a fulcrum, trying to boost themselves into social exception. They were working so hard at the attention they wanted to gain!
Does this all mean that I should not deserve the "right" to be sad about my friends death just because someone else is sadder. I see this everyday in my life. People using their problems like wedges. People want to be something they're not, this is a well known fact. For some reason, this thing people try to be instead is always more depressed, inflicted, troubled. It always appears that your meeting the most depressed person in the world!
"my mom wanted to put me in this mental hospital, but I was like 'Fuck That!'." Odd how these people are just let on the street as if they were normal. Its dangerous, you look at a kid on the street. You see a happy tall blond that appears, from the shoes, to be pretty well off! Yet beneath this face lies a horrible beast. The doctors have them on all kinds of medications! So many that I'll bet they can't remember the names on the pill bottles! Or maybe they just don't pay attention when they shove that fist full of pills down their throat.
I don't generally tell people about the problems in my life for a few reasons. One is, everyone has problems, but why would I want to dwell on mine! Another is, every day in the news you'll see a hundred horrible incidents recorded and printed, but you'll see only one or two happy story, but come on! Those happy things are there, but no one pays attention! I refuse to be that way! The first thing I recall from my day when I'm asked how it was, usually is the sky (corny as it may sound, I live in Oregon! Even with clouds everywhere, it's the greatest sky!). The last reason that I keep my problems to myself, they're not bartering tools! They're troubles, not to be kept up front, not to be forgotten. Come on! Everythings not lost! Look up!
I love this world, I love everything about it. I love the sky, the trees, the earth. I love the darkness, I love rivers sounding. I love combinations of them all. I love walking along the edge of a waterfall in the darkness, not quite knowing where I'm going, just to find the best spot to sit and just listen! I love music. I love art. I love animals! I love all of this, and often times, I can't love those around me! I can't love humans, because they are so horrible sometimes! They see it, they see it inflicting others and they don't do anything. For themselves. For themselves, for their cowardly purposes. I also hate the fact that I cannot hate anything that I don't represent! That is by far the worst part. But I'm changing!
This change within me now, this is for Rob who died in the frosted waters of Diamond Lake. This is for Rob whom I never saw any of these characteristics in! Although, I'm sure he's not watching over me. If such a thing could exist, if the dead come alive again in a heaven, if this is true I'm sure that I am not the target of Rob's attention. But that's not what's important really. I know that he, as a living person, inspired me to be a better person as I saw him be so caring. I saw him, and a part of who he was and I wanted to change and be a better person. In his death I'm not going to end that, I'm going to continue to work for change!
I wish this standpoint was more shared by humanity. I know its there, but I am so surrounded by the bad things sometimes that I forget. "If you tell the truth than you never have to remember anything". That is to say, if you lie, you would be a fool to keep it up, and you would be a coward to not tell the truth. So why lie for no reason! Be brave, be yourself!
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Zoinks!